Dear B,
It’s 2 hours past my bedtime.
It’s almost 2 years since we met.
It’s 1 year since your dad died.
It’s 10 months since you moved here.
It’s 9 months since I moved here.
It’s almost 8 months since you returned from leading that high school spring break trip. You had no way of communicating with me or anyone for three weeks.
Before your arrival, I spent the day cleaning my apartment and grocery shopping for your favorite foods.
I picked you up from the airport and drove you home. You had to get up early for work and you said I couldn’t stay. You were short with me and I wrote it off as jet lag.
The next day you spent the night.
You woke up early the following morning, showered, ate my cereal, got ready for work.
I asked you if you wanted to come over for dinner.
You said “I can’t do this anymore,” grabbed your things, and walked out my door.
It’s 7 1/2 months since I was finally able to do more than stare at my walls and sleep for 12+ hours a day. since I started going on dates and giving guys my number. since I fainted at work. since almost all my daily calories were from liquor, if I had any calories at all. since my clothes started getting too big for my body.
It’s 5 months since I was fighting tears at work and wanting to die. That night, my friends dragged me out to the bar with them. That’s when I met T. Our first date was the next day. I started feeling happy again.
It’s almost 4 months since I forgot you enough to have sex with T for the first time.
It’s 3 1/2 months since I found out you met her the week after you left me. You worked with her all summer, just like #3, the girl whom you left #2 for.
You took her to the places we went together.
She uprooted her life in Vermont so you two could live together. even though you said it was “too much pressure” when I moved here (even though we lived 30 minutes apart. even though I was going to school here in August. even though we had been dating for more than a year).
I went over to T’s. He knew I was upset but I didn’t know how to explain why. He probably understood better than I did. He made me feel better. He tried his best.
It’s 3 months since T left. He wanted a break. He found a girl who was emotionally available.
I realized I was too scared and hurt to let myself open up to him. I shut myself down after you left. I didn’t try.
T never really got to know me. just fragments.
He wanted the parts of me you didn’t like, the parts of me I closed off.
It’s been a few months since I cried because of you, before tonight.
It’s a few times a week that I have dreams and nightmares about you.
It’s every day I am reminded of you.
It’s every day I want to forget you exist.
It’s tonight, at 1 am that I experienced a rush of thoughts, memories, and emotions about you. It’s 2:20 right now. I shouldn’t be awake. I shouldn’t be crying.
My heart and I were disposable to you. Just like every girl before me. Just like your brother warned me. I loved you. I don’t know if I will ever let myself love again. I would rather die than ever again endure pain like what you inflicted.
I wish you knew what you’ve done to me. I wish you understood. I wish you felt remorse. I wish you would tell me you’re sorry.
8 months later. I’m awake, now fully aware that I am a shell of who I used to be.
You’re in bed with #5.
