A lot of times when I come home from school, instead of doing my homework or taking a nap, I just sit in front of my computer and think about how tired I am.
2011 was one for the books
Worst year of my life.
Lotta stuff happened:
2 states, 3 apartments, 2 boyfriends, more than a dozen other suitors (like dates), a dozen more kissed, 1 month of strep throat, 10+ visits to the doctor, 1 wedding, 1 semester of school, and too many wonderful new friends to count.
I feel I am most fulfilled ‘me’ that I’ve ever been, if that makes sense. Right now, I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
I’ve never been happier.
God please let 2012 be better. 2011 made me who I am today and I am grateful for that, but I never want to go through that much trauma ever again. I don’t know if i could take it.
Cheers to a happy 2012.
finally done with the semester :) i need a massage so bad.
Exam in 13 hours. I’m screwed.
i’m in one of those moods where i have to be around people (getting anxious and sad). but i have to study. and i’m pretty sure neither are going to happen.
Anonymous said: I stumbled upon your blog during a study break (finals week can suck it) and have honestly read the entire thing from the beginning. In case you were wondering that is a massive amount of study time I lost. You should be ashamed of yourself -_- In all seriousness though, I love this blog, especially the stories of your romantic history, can't quite put my finger on the reason why but they have helped me to view the guys in my past/present in a new, less romanticized light, Thank you, seriously.
wow. thanks so much for the message, totally made my night!
if it makes you feel better, i should have been studying the past few hours instead of writing….
how to be an ignorant hubristic asshole
make jokes about my chosen profession.
try to use jargon/terms/ideas/rules that are specific to my subject matter. use them incorrectly.
tell me i’m wrong about something that’s basic common knowledge/fact in my field.
i’m getting a graduate degree in this. if you aren’t, your knowledge is probably limited to brief interactions with people in my field and whatever pop culture might talk about.
here’s some examples:
- B works in business. Sometimes he works on transactions with new clients, which includes signing contracts. L is a law student. L mentions to B he’s not happy with a recent, very inexpensive purchase. B makes a joke about how L should know better and read the fine print. L throws out some legal analysis, rendering B’s statements irrelevant. B tells L that he applied the test wrong.
- P is having a baby. K and P go out to lunch. K tells P that she needs to change her diet or her baby will be born with autism…and she better not vaccinate that baby either. K is a 6th grade teacher who sometimes teaches the sex ed week. P is in med school (yes, the baby was bad timing). P cites notable sources and research on the issue. K says that P is wrong because her friend’s friend had an autistic baby and Oprah also did a special on it.
white bread boys at my school seem to like the idea of dating a “hipster” girl. (their label)
sorry, but i’m just a nerd that’s been wearing old grandma shit, big glasses, and a nose ring for years. does that make me cooler than you and your gelled hair, boot-cut jeans, ironed shirts, and little wire glasses? sure, but it always has. even before you ever looked up “hipster” on urban dictionary and decided to tack the word onto the only girl at school that doesn’t dress like she just walked out of fucking ann taylor or her mom’s closet.
it perplexes me that they’d ever think i’d go for them.
and then they get offended when they ask what i like in dudes or what my deal breakers are and realize that they don’t qualify as datable. and then say i’m “too picky.”
why do they like me anyway? they would have absolutely no fun hanging out with me at the places i like, listening to my music, talking about stuff i care about, or eating vegan (they don’t even understand what that means… “do you still eat fish?” “how do you get your protein?”)
there are few things i hate more than video games.
yes, even fucking wii and shit.
once again, my roommate is wasting his life away on video games… i can hear the virtual gun shots from 40 feet away.
this is what i wish i could say…
but my biggest fear is confrontation.
the bass is driving me insane. and filling me with hatred. my only consolation is that i have a real life, and it’s far more interesting.
any time my life is consumed with important things, i start noticing the banality, triviality, and stupidity of others. i’m such a judger right now.
everything he does bothers me. he’s such a waste of a person. i can’t think of anyone more average or boring.
thanks, tumblr, for letting me spill my guts.
haters gonna hate
today this female student, who looked older than me but i couldn’t tell because half of them dress like moms, was standing in line next to me. she looked me up and down and gave me and my outfit the stink eye.
she was wearing a teal turtleneck, light wash bootcut jeans, hiking shoes, and lame glasses.
sorry you don’t like my outfit, but you clearly don’t have the right to judge. plus your staring is making me reals uncomfs.
I need a personal assistant. And a refill of my ADHD medication. And like 20hrs of sleep. Maybe some Xanax.
Tomorrow is my last day of classes for the semester. I had a small panic attack/existential life crisis today… Overwhelmed with things to do.
Most people at school carry a level of stress/worry throughout the semester. Apparently I bank it all away til right before exams.
I might kill someone.
i strive for a mindful, compassionate life. but there are select few human beings that i hate. really, truly, actually hate. i wish these people did not exist. none of these people are overwhelmingly evil, like a murderer or something. no, it’s just that anything positive these people contribute to the world is grossly outweighed by the negative.
one is example is this pompous, misogynistic, stupid asshole who thinks he knows more than me. except he is paying full tuition and i have a $20,000/year scholarship. here’s an illustration of his ignorance:
- him: “you’re a feminist and a vegan? do you shave your legs?”
for over a month, i was the target of his sexual harassment. it started with his unwelcome hands on my arms, back, and legs. then he added creepy comments. when he looks at me, i can tell he is only looking at my body, not me. to him, i am an object. its purpose is to fulfill his desire. he me makes me feel uncomfortable, objectified, angry, and unsafe.
it’s worth mentioning that i find him extremely unattractive. he looks like napoleon dynamite and talks like buster from arrested development. frankly, when it comes to physical beauty, i can do so much better… he doesn’t even register. but looks aside, he is not my type in the least. his personality sucks. we have absolutely nothing in common. delusion is the only way to explain why he could ever think there would ever be any possibility of him and me being anything or doing anything.
not only that, he has a long-distance girlfriend of almost a year.
my opinion aside, there are few people i know who like him. fewer would call him a friend.
i booked a study room at school so that i could write a paper. the rest of the building is over-crowded with undergrads who don’t seem to know where their own library is. of course, he is next door studying with a classmate. his voice is so fucking loud. it’s interrupting my thoughts with flashbacks of the hell he put me through.
i hate him.
- hide in the trenches and wait til it’s over.
- fight my way through, draining myself of everything i have.
either way, it’s going to kill me.
two things happened today that reconfirmed I am doing my purpose in life:
- For one of my classes, I had to do what I’ll just call job shadowing. My conversations and observations about so many facets of the work left me incredibly inspired.
- We finally got to an interesting topic in one of my classes. It is 3am and I have been up reading not just my assigned pages, but the entire section of my textbook on said topic. If you read my post from yesterday, you’ll know that I was up late last night. I ended up getting about 4 hours of sleep. What the fuck is wrong with me, how am I awake.