Oh Menver

Dear Roommate,

• Paper towel and wrappers are NOT recyclable. 
• Plastic, glass, and aluminum ARE recyclable.
• I’m sure you haven’t noticed, but the stove is caked with grease, and it’s mostly your fault. Wipe it down after you cook your bacon and sausage, just like I do after I’m done cooking vegetables and soup.
• Nail clippers should only be used in the bathroom.
• There is no reason the TV should be audible in every room of the apartment.
• Lately, you’ve been spending like 30 minutes taking shits. Stop eating so much processed food and meat. I need to use the bathroom too!
• I know it smells horrifyingly bad, but stop using so much air freshener. It makes the whole apartment reek for hours.
• Stop closing the door after you’re done. We don’t have a fan in the bathroom, and you’re trapping in all the nasty smells. Air that shit out. I prefer to do my makeup in the bathroom, but thanks to you I can’t.
• Empty my vacuum after you’re done using it. It’s bagless, so you can see just as well as I can that it’s full.
• Stop vacuuming the edge of the carpet. All the extra strings get caught up underneath.
• Drinking 3+ beers almost every night by yourself is a sign of borderline alcoholism. 
• Why don’t you share your weed with me?
• If I don’t hear you come in, I always know your home when my internet slows way down. Your TV and video games are sucking away my bandwidth. 
• You now owe me for two months worth of electrical bills, totaling $30.
• You still owe me $250 of the deposit.
• Give me my money.

Sincerely,

Your Roommate

Bummed

I need a nap, but I live next to the highway and it’s rush hour in Denver… meaning someone is laying on their horn every 30 seconds. 

Also, my roommate’s college bff is here… Picture a big midwestern state university. Think of the quintessential male student. Times two. Minus their accents. I’ve mentioned before how I can’t understand my roommate, even though he was raised 4 hours away from me. Well, his friend is even worse. I’m not sure what his name is. It might be Troy, maybe Trey, or Torrey, or Terry… OPEN YOUR MOUTHS YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, YOU WERE RAISED IN CORNFIELDS, NOT WITH BOOMHAUER. 

It is Thursday evening and they are here watching some sport on tv and making a dent in their stockpile of beer. 

Why come to Denver if you’re going to do the same thing you could back home?

He will be here for a week.

Thank goodness I have J Babes to distract me, tonight at least. Also, I like how JB, who grew up in the south, is easier to understand than someone from a state that borders mine. Maybe because JB actually opens his mouth all the way when he talks. 

I know I’ve said it before… but seriously, HOW. THE. FUCK. does a person play video games as much as my roommate does? I don’t know if it will ever cease to amaze, anger, exasperate, and annoy me. I don’t understand how he’s not bored yet. 

Conclusion: he’s a fucking idiot.

My lease doesn’t end til July. 

J Babes, you need to have me sleep over more… and if you’re not up for it, find me someone who is. 

Dear girl who went on a date with my roommate,

I don’t know where you went, but please come back into his life.

He has been up since 8am the past three days playing some killing game on xbox live… and also up past midnight doing the same. So all I hear from the living room is gunshots and his backwoods, monotone, mumbling, Boomhauer-on-amphetamines, incomprehensible accent yelling about guns and ducking into corners and overall just more excited about a virtual murder than anything else ever in his entire life. 

He also might be an alcoholic. I’ve never seen so much beer belonging to a single person since I last visited my Irish grandfather. 

You saw past these and many other flaws when you first hooked up with him. Please find it in your heart to find a place for him in your heart.

Thanks for your consideration,

A Concerned and Annoyed Roommate

On my Roommate and the Economics of Dating

Actually, I don’t like that my roommate has a girl in his life. I’m pretty sure I heard a girl voice in his room. Now I’m going to be constantly paranoid I’ll hear them having sex. Nasty. 

Am I being unfair? Is there a double-standard? Yes. I’ve hosted many a man here, but that’s different. I don’t put out right away like he does (in fact, since he moved in, I’ve only hooked up with one of the guys who’s seen my apartment). I guess that’s what happens when you’re desperately deprived of romantic companionship like he is. 

When I meet someone new, it’s not a big deal. I can find someone else tomorrow. I have to be impressed before anything happens.

When he meets someone new, it means like 4 months have passed since the last girl.

It’s like economics: supply, demand, utility. 

There’s a good chance she’s not pretty, not interesting, and a bad lay. But when you haven’t had sex since God knows when, there’s little that matters in a girl besides having a vagina and being tolerable enough to maybe keep around for a while. It’s like beer goggles, but lenses that get foggier the longer you haven’t had sex. Low supply, high demand, distorted conception of utility.

Think deficit: I ripped a hole in the only pair of black pants I have, which are required for minimum-wage job’s uniform. I work tomorrow morning and the stores close in an hour. I’m going to run in and buy the cheapest ones I can find in my size without even trying them on.

My situation was the opposite: high supply, low demand, lots of standards for what meets the accepted level of utility.

Think surplus: I have a ton of money, and I kind of feel like buying a new pair of pants. It’s not urgent. Maybe I’ll go shopping this weekend. I’ll take my time, shop around, and maybe I’ll leave without buying anything. But since I’m loaded, if I feel like it I’ll leave with a few pairs… and there’s a better chance I’ll walk out with a Prada bag instead of Forever 21.

YES! My roommate is going on a date! First date, but apparently they hooked up on New Year’s. That is a good sign! I’m probably more excited than him! I hope this means he’ll be gone more. His bedroom sucks, and he lives with a fairly attractive straight female, so there’s hope! If things go well, this will reduce the amount of time he’s home in front of the TV! Say a prayer that she lives somewhere awesome and convenient. I don’t want her over here. Sharing a bathroom with a male is hard enough, adding a girl would suck. I buy expensive hair products (Aveda mostly) and I don’t want her sampling.

Also, as far as I know, since we’ve lived together (September) the score for how many people we’ve had romantic relations with is:

Me: 7

Roommate: 1 or 2 (counting this girl)

Therefore, he needs this to work.

[There will be a forthcoming post on the consequences of living in Menver as a straight male… I’ve already posted on why my roommate is single (i.e. video games, etc.) but Menver doesn’t help him either.]

I hate those “awkward moment” posts, mostly because they’re usually not anything awkward… but… here’s my awkward moment…

That awkward moment when you emerge from your bedroom after three hours… and you walk by the living room and have to introduce the new boy to your roommate. And then after you walk new boy out you start the longest conversation in history with your roommate because you’re in such a great mood.

southrnbird said: for both! lol! I met someone awesome off OkCupid. He lives 2 hours away and we adore each other!

Well… Maybe… I’m scared. haha. If it’s like 5 days before NYE and I have nobody to kiss, then I might try it.

Fortunately, Denver has way too many men (hence “Menver”) and it’s kind of like shooting fish in a barrel. 

Unfortunately, Denver has way too many men and it’s kind of like you’re a piece of meat thrown into the African savanna during a drought. 

PS That’s awesome for you!!

southrnbird said: Ok Cupid!!!

haha for him or me?

wanted:

Somebody find my roommate a girlfriend. Pref one who has her own place near his work or his favorite bars so that he stays there a lot. (i.e. LoDo, Cherry Creek, Highlands) Or a nicer place than his room.

Or I guess you could find me a boyfriend. Pref one within biking/light rail distance or with a good parking situation. 

Thanks :)

i need a hug

today i am pathetic and whiney… don’t read this.

i need a massage and my chiropractor, chocolate, a hug, my headache to go away, to not get ridiculously emotional over news articles (pms?), not be nauseous.

quinoa just exploded in my microwave.

i met this guy from school last week while some of us were at the bar after exams. we talked for a while. he’s a nice guy. now he keeps asking me to hang out. i don’t know what to do. it’s clear he wants to go out on a “date.” so i never called him back last time i said i would. now he probably thinks i’m a jerk. i want to be friends with him, but i never ever want to date him. but if i talk to him now, it’s like he’ll think i am interested or something. i feel so bad. ugh. this has happened a few times. idk what i’m doing wrong.  

there is a glass jar in my trash can. what doesn’t my roommate understand about recycling? 

i now have a giant bloody gash on the bottom of my big toe. when i moved into my apartment, the edges of the carpet weren’t like covered or molded or whatever they call it. so where it meets the tile in the kitchen, there’s a 2” gap and the tacks stick out. my landlord was supposed to fix this like 4 months ago. i learned the hard way when i moved in to be careful and step over them, but today i’m spaced out and now have a bloody toe.

my back account should just say “poor” instead of giving me a number. it doesn’t matter.

i’m hungry for restaurant food.

my face is falling apart. i have acne, sort of… for the first time in my whole life. that was supposed to happen at least 10 years ago. and it’s dry at the same time. and i’m getting wrinkles. i blame school. and my skin being designed for humid climates.

my neighbors are drilling and hammering. i want to cry. my poor head.

iwritewithstyle said: go play outside without him

but i’m supposed to be a good student and study!

wow glad i drank a bunch of chai to study when all i’m doing is tumblr stalking.

P.S. it’s cold. i need a hug.

P.P.S. today i thought my roommate had a friend over. silly me, he was really just doing that xbox live thing. and i thought it was someone else talking because his accent is suddenly way more back-woods. i can’t understand him anymore. no, really, he tried talking to me and he had to keep repeating himself until he finally gave up. 

there are few things i hate more than video games.

yes, even fucking wii and shit. 

once again, my roommate is wasting his life away on video games… i can hear the virtual gun shots from 40 feet away.

this is what i wish i could say…

but my biggest fear is confrontation.

the bass is driving me insane. and filling me with hatred. my only consolation is that i have a real life, and it’s far more interesting. 

any time my life is consumed with important things, i start noticing the banality, triviality, and stupidity of others. i’m such a judger right now.

everything he does bothers me. he’s such a waste of a person. i can’t think of anyone more average or boring. 

thanks, tumblr, for letting me spill my guts.