Girly Tumblr Themes

1. Cargo Shorts



Obviously, I had to kick of this blog with my hatred of cargo shorts. 

Cargo shorts are the antithesis of style. You’re not in the Army, and “Military Chic” is not a thing. They might have been “in” 12 years ago, but so was George Bush and a lot of shit nobody does anymore—or shouldn’t. 

12 years ago I was in 8th grade. I wore wire glasses, American Eagle, and frizzy ponytails. Guys who wear cargo shorts are the male equivalent to me if I still dressed like my thirteen-year-old self. 

Besides screaming “I haven’t thought about what I put on my body since last millennium,” cargo shorts are incredibly ugly. If you (dude in cargo shorts) were an animal, you’d be a horse loaded up with saddlebags. 

Also, why the actual fuck do you need all those pockets? You keep snacks in there? Unless you’re too homophobic to carry a bag, pretty sure you’re not using them ever.

Cargo shorts = wearing a sign that says “You will hate so many other things about me.”

Here are some inferences/assumptions I automatically make when I see someone in cargos:

  • Probably like Jager
  • Probably from the Midwest 
  • Probably went to a giant state university
  • Probably joined a Frat
  • Bro
  • Play yard games like corn hole
  • Only thing you’ve ever won is a beer pong tourney
  • Voted for George Bush, twice if you were old enough… or you’re not even registered
  • Red meat is a food group
  • Vegetarians offend you
  • Books? You might have read The Hunger Games
  • “Fag” is a proper way to insult one of your buddies

A chat with my ultra-religious sister....

  • sister: It says in the Bible that homosexuality is wrong.
  • me: Because during the Old Testament times, sex was only allowed to produce more Jews. Wasting semen on other forms of sex was forbidden... They needed to build the Jewish nation. It also says you can stone to death a disobedient son and a non-virgin.
  • sister: No it doesn't. God wouldn't say that.
  • me: Give me your Bible, I'll show you.
  • sister: No I don't care. (Starts to walk away)
  • me: You can't take everything literally.
  • sister: (laughs) Then what is the point??? OF COURSE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO TAKE IT LITERALLY!!!
  • me: You're an embarrassment to Christianity.
  • sister: (Bursts into tears) I work every day at a personal relationship with God. Way harder than you!
  • me: What makes you think that?
  • sister: The way you live.
  • me: Give me an example.
  • sister: There's so many.
  • me: Give me one.
  • sister: Oh my gosh, you're not in the courtroom. Stop trying to be a lawyer!

Anonymous said: you're fuckin' dumb. get outta denver and return to whichever hellhole you originated from.

YESSSSSSS. My first hate mail. 

Oh Anonymous,

There’s a good chance you’re the 17 yr old I rejected, one of my ex’s, or some d-bag with a “native” bumper sticker. 

Why do you feel that I am “fuckin’ dumb”? Please, enlighten me. Also explain why you waste your time looking at my blog if it bothers you so much. There’s plenty of other “fuckin’ dumb” blogs out in tumblr universe; do you send all of them these messages as well?

Can’t wait to hear from you.

Sweet dreams. xoxo,

Oh Menver

there are few things i hate more than video games.

yes, even fucking wii and shit. 

once again, my roommate is wasting his life away on video games… i can hear the virtual gun shots from 40 feet away.

this is what i wish i could say…

but my biggest fear is confrontation.

the bass is driving me insane. and filling me with hatred. my only consolation is that i have a real life, and it’s far more interesting. 

any time my life is consumed with important things, i start noticing the banality, triviality, and stupidity of others. i’m such a judger right now.

everything he does bothers me. he’s such a waste of a person. i can’t think of anyone more average or boring. 

thanks, tumblr, for letting me spill my guts.


i want to rip your clothes off, but i hate you. you depress me. you annoy me. i don’t want you to leave, i want to stay up all night talking. you’re ugly. you’re beautiful. i want to go out with you tonight. but i want to talk to other guys. i want you to call me, but i want to be too busy to answer.

i want what i can’t have, can have what i don’t want, and everyone in between is killing me.

haters gonna hate

today this female student, who looked older than me but i couldn’t tell because half of them dress like moms, was standing in line next to me. she looked me up and down and gave me and my outfit the stink eye. 

she was wearing a teal turtleneck, light wash bootcut jeans, hiking shoes, and lame glasses. 

sorry you don’t like my outfit, but you clearly don’t have the right to judge. plus your staring is making me reals uncomfs. 


i strive for a mindful, compassionate life. but there are select few human beings that i hate. really, truly, actually hate. i wish these people did not exist. none of these people are overwhelmingly evil, like a murderer or something. no, it’s just that anything positive these people contribute to the world is grossly outweighed by the negative. 

one is example is this pompous, misogynistic, stupid asshole who thinks he knows more than me. except he is paying full tuition and i have a $20,000/year scholarship. here’s an illustration of his ignorance:

  • him: “you’re a feminist and a vegan? do you shave your legs?”

for over a month, i was the target of his sexual harassment. it started with his unwelcome hands on my arms, back, and legs. then he added creepy comments. when he looks at me, i can tell he is only looking at my body, not me. to him, i am an object. its purpose is to fulfill his desire. he me makes me feel uncomfortable, objectified, angry, and unsafe. 

it’s worth mentioning that i find him extremely unattractive. he looks like napoleon dynamite and talks like buster from arrested development. frankly, when it comes to physical beauty, i can do so much better… he doesn’t even register. but looks aside, he is not my type in the least. his personality sucks. we have absolutely nothing in common. delusion is the only way to explain why he could ever think there would ever be any possibility of him and me being anything or doing anything.

not only that, he has a long-distance girlfriend of almost a year. 

my opinion aside, there are few people i know who like him. fewer would call him a friend. 

i booked a study room at school so that i could write a paper. the rest of the building is over-crowded with undergrads who don’t seem to know where their own library is. of course, he is next door studying with a classmate. his voice is so fucking loud. it’s interrupting my thoughts with flashbacks of the hell he put me through.

i hate him.