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The trouble with guy friends…

A couple of them have an unusually high interest in my love life and always seem to have something negative to say about whomever I’m currently seeing.

S and Z are both guys, both my friends, and friends with each other. Z has told me several times he thinks we’re soul mates. S likes to encourage him. The most dramatic time happened at a party I invited J Babes to when I first met him.

S knows J Babes better than Z. S knows vaguely about what’s going on between me and JB. Despite my objections, S thinks JB and I are in a relationship—a tumultuous love/hate relationship. Oh, also, S is extremely dramatic.

Even though I rarely talk to Z now (since he’s turning into a desperate creep) I’ve noticed that when he has called me, it’s always during a period when S thinks JB and I “broke up.” Z even asked if he could be my date to Barrister’s if JB doesn’t go. If JB doesn’t go, I’m going by myself. Z will whine about it all night. 

I’m so annoyed. 

lately…

  1. It’s nice when I hear from my exes’ friends. It’s nice to know they still like me. They were cool people to lose in the ‘divorce’ and it’s sad to not have them around.
  2. I’m filing a lawsuit in small claims court against my ex-landlord. She never returned my deposit or gave me a list of deductions, and has totally ignored all my communications. So I’m filling out this paperwork and I don’t really know what I’m doing… Message me if you want to help!
  3. I have a new crush. Unfortunately I met him via Tumblr (my intentions were friend zone!) so you can blame him if my posts start getting boring. Two reasons: 1) I can’t post anything juicy about him if he’s reading it. 2) So far at least, there isn’t anything good to write because he’s a sweetheart. He doesn’t say anything stupid. He’s thoughtful. He’s smart. He’s nice. He’s a good kisser. And I like his dog.
  4. I really want to do a detox. Just like a couple days or something. Any suggestions? 
  5. I wrote out that apology to T, but I haven’t sent it. I’m scared and feel dumb. Maybe because he was the one that broke up with me… but then I remind myself that I would’ve broken up with me too.

All I wanted for Christmas was sex... I got this ridiculous Facebook chat solicitation instead:

  • M: well im just going to lay it out there. If you are looking for a FWB kinda thing... I think you are pretty cute.
  • me: is it weird that i hung out with two of your friends and T your supervisor is my ex bf?
  • M: Oh shit T is your ex?
  • me: Yeah
  • M: well are you down to hang out as friends?
  • me: Ya sure
  • M: with benefits lol... awkward i know
  • me: haha idk i dont really do that
  • M: well that's where I'm at... just saying. i'm kinda a freak... kinda. just the truth lol maybe that's not you at all and it's understandable
  • me: haha idk
  • M: can i throw something out there that's a little strange?
  • me: what
  • M: how do you feel about being submissive sexually?
  • me: uh what?
  • M: that's honestly what im looking for. sort of a fantasy of mine
  • me: oh
  • (few minutes pass...)
  • M: did i lose you lol?
  • me: well... idk what you mean exactly, but i wouldn't say that's really something i've ever thought about or wanted... i guess the most submissive thing i'm into is missionary
  • M: ok, well I was just throwing it out there... it would involve basically like a master slave roleplay. Only if you were comfortable with it of course. Sorry I'm drunk. a lot to throw out there... no pain or anything abusive of course
  • me: oh.. haha wow
  • M: yep... so i take that as a no...

Friends

Being away from home really teaches you who your friends actually are.

Some of the people I thought were my really good friends don’t seem that concerned about seeing me right away.

And then I’ve already hung out with others that I wasn’t as close to.

And then there’s the people that bug me every day about when I’m coming home, when we can get together, and I realize that I don’t care, and their questions are just annoying. We were never that good of friends to begin with.

Like M. M and I very briefly dated about three years ago but have remained somewhat friends… the kind of friend you talk to every couple months. He thinks we’re better friends than we are. But that might be because he works 80 hours a week, is 34 years old and single, and probably doesn’t have many friends in the first place. And he might be in love with me.

M has been bugging me for weeks about when I’m coming home. I didn’t get a chance to see him in July when I was back and he reminds me every chance he gets. He acts more excited than anyone else about me coming home. Like today he texted just my name in all caps and 12 exclamation marks. (He always uses my first and last name; it’s annoying. My first name isn’t so common that a last name is necessary and my full name isn’t that cool. I’m not important enough that you need to say my full name either.)  

I responded with a simple “Hey.” He asked me for the 5th time how long I’m going to be here. “The 29th.” He said he won’t leave me alone till he sees my face.

I feel like he’s hyping up me and our friendship way too much. Like acting like we’re about to go to Disney World when we’re really going to Lakeside Amusement Park. (Non-Denverites: think run-down amusement park that has questionable safety standards.)

He’s trying to be cute and act like I’m just so awesome, like it’s a privilege to have some of my time. I’m annoyed. I don’t even want to see him.

"If I lived in Denver, I would date you."

That’s what S told me last night, very definitely. 

S and I briefly hung out before I started dating B and S started dating his ex. That was just over two years ago. We’re both single now. 

Last night was the first time I’d seen him since last Christmas. Well, in person. He’d been video-chatting me a lot lately. 

The evening ended with a drunken kiss. It was horrible. It told me everything I should have remembered throughout the night: we are so bad together. 

Faded memories are sometimes the best version of the person you left behind.

airpunchingacademic: The awkward moment when most of my friends are guys.

uh… shit.

extrovert.

i’m in one of those moods where i have to be around people (getting anxious and sad). but i have to study. and i’m pretty sure neither are going to happen.

i need a hug

today i am pathetic and whiney… don’t read this.

i need a massage and my chiropractor, chocolate, a hug, my headache to go away, to not get ridiculously emotional over news articles (pms?), not be nauseous.

quinoa just exploded in my microwave.

i met this guy from school last week while some of us were at the bar after exams. we talked for a while. he’s a nice guy. now he keeps asking me to hang out. i don’t know what to do. it’s clear he wants to go out on a “date.” so i never called him back last time i said i would. now he probably thinks i’m a jerk. i want to be friends with him, but i never ever want to date him. but if i talk to him now, it’s like he’ll think i am interested or something. i feel so bad. ugh. this has happened a few times. idk what i’m doing wrong.  

there is a glass jar in my trash can. what doesn’t my roommate understand about recycling? 

i now have a giant bloody gash on the bottom of my big toe. when i moved into my apartment, the edges of the carpet weren’t like covered or molded or whatever they call it. so where it meets the tile in the kitchen, there’s a 2” gap and the tacks stick out. my landlord was supposed to fix this like 4 months ago. i learned the hard way when i moved in to be careful and step over them, but today i’m spaced out and now have a bloody toe.

my back account should just say “poor” instead of giving me a number. it doesn’t matter.

i’m hungry for restaurant food.

my face is falling apart. i have acne, sort of… for the first time in my whole life. that was supposed to happen at least 10 years ago. and it’s dry at the same time. and i’m getting wrinkles. i blame school. and my skin being designed for humid climates.

my neighbors are drilling and hammering. i want to cry. my poor head.

he said, “you don’t believe in me”

he had fabulous plans and grand ideas.

they were constantly changing.

he never followed through with any of them.

he presented each new scheme so convincingly.

for just a moment, i’d believe him.

but then i’d remember. 

he was still at the same job. still making excuses. still blowing his money on liquor. still putting off finishing his first big art piece. still guilting me for being in a better situation than him and still asking me for favors. still complaining about the city. still talking about moving away. still in the same little apartment with the roommate he hated. still not talking to his dad. still talking about finishing school. still canceling our plans because he ‘didn’t feel up to it today.’ still telling me he’s depressed.

it had been so long… and he was still only everything i’d ever known him to be.

honesty [is hardly ever heard]

Saturday, November 13, 8:30pm: I wish I could be at Occupy Denver instead of doing school work. I haven’t been able to go in a couple weeks and I feel terrible. but I am overwhelmed. One more week of classes and then exam weeks begin. 

I’m sitting across from J in his cold studio. He is writing a letter on his typewriter, I am writing/doing research on my mac. It’s a nice juxtaposition of things in time. 

This is the same J that is the subject of “when i knew it was over (the first time).” We’re still friends and talk occasionally. I’ve seen him for other reasons since it “was over” but I haven’t actually spent real time with him. 

Last evening, while taking the light rail back home from H&M (yay) with one of my best school friends, I decided that even though I was absolutely exhausted, I could not be home on a Friday night. School friends were staying in to be good little nerds. Most of my Denver friends were ragers. I knew I would be in for a chill night if I hung out with J. so I texted him. He wrote back that he was at home working on a story.

I began to write a reply, but decided I’d rather hear his voice—it’s one of my favorites. The perfect octave. Not too deep, too high, gruff, raspy, or scratchy. His accent hints that he grew up in our part of the country, but that he also spent time in Chicago. His words give away that he is a writer, and that his favorite is Twain. His way of speaking reminds me of my grandfather. Actually, in a lot of ways he reminds me of my grandfather, a man born in 1925, raised in the Bronx, studied journalism at Columbia, Tigers Fan, Catholic, Irish, all-American, man of whiskey and scotch…  J is an old soul.

We decided to meet on his side of town.

We caught up over $2 beers and somehow through the course of conversation, one of us proposed that we be completely honest to one another.

This would be a first for both of us. We, like most people, have never told anyone the absolute, complete, nothing-omitted truth about everything. It’s a scary prospect.

This is as close as one can get to knowing another as he knows himself.

Our history and dynamic make it especially foreboding. We briefly dated not too long ago. I am much more open and honest with other people in my life. He and I are not that close; I feel he doesn’t really “get” me, like we’re on different wavelengths. And now, we’re not dating. I don’t think we will in the future, but the possibility hangs over us. I’m still half-attracted to him. I gather he feels the same. While I care about him, it’s only sometimes a jealous-don’t-look-at-that-girl/i-want-to-fuck/why-didn’t-you-want-me/let’s-spend-all-day-together-i-miss-you kind of feeling. So to completely mentally and emotionally expose myself to him, of all people, is daunting. It’s sort of like people who become friends with benefits: you have access to a special, intimate part of someone else, but without any sort of promise, commitment, or expectation of the future beyond maintaining the status quo… which inevitably comes to an end, at least with actual friends with benefits. In our case, we’re not really friends to begin with. Not friends friends. So I see this going one of three ways: 1. we become very close friends for life, 2. we become better friends until one of us starts dating someone, at that point one or both of us will feel necessity to hold back or back off, 3. we fall in love. Or, I guess number 4. the novelty wears off and we go back to our habits as casual friends.

Ok, back to my story. Conversation got real after that. My like for him as a person progressed with the night. 

We took the talk and some pizza back to his apartment. I slept over. It’s been about 24 hours and we have not yet left each other’s company.

Right now the only sounds are ‘Explosions in the Sky’ and each word his fingers spell out on his typewriter. I look up at him over the top of my glasses and our eyes meet. I raise my head so that he is within the frame of focus and we share a smile. This is all we have said in over an hour.

I want to interrupt our work. I’m getting impatient to talk. I can’t wait for us to unravel more of each other.